


It Was Always You

by Croppmar000



Series: In a Lifetime [2]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Dick Grayson is Nightwing, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd is Red Hood, Jason-Centric, M/M, Secret Crush, Tim Drake is a Good Brother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 22:52:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14882738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Croppmar000/pseuds/Croppmar000
Summary: Jason wasn’t sure why he was there, or why he felt it was the only place he could go. He knew he was in trouble. A lot of trouble. He knew it was his fault. The last thing he wanted to do was drag more people down with him.Yet here he was, with nowhere else to turn, staring at Dick Grayson’s front door. Feeling like he had nowhere else to go.





	It Was Always You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Prequel to On Days like these

Jason wasn’t sure why he was there, or why he felt it was the only place he could go. He knew he was in trouble. A lot of trouble. He knew it was his fault. The last thing he wanted to do was drag more people down with him. 

Yet here he was, with nowhere else to turn, staring at Dick Grayson’s front door.

It was four in the morning. Theoretically, if he did go patrolling tonight, he’d be back by now. Jason didn’t want Dick involved in any of this. If only Dick was more of an asshole, it’d be so much easier to knock on the door and basically ruin his life.

But, he was far from an asshole. He saw the best in people, even the ones who don’t deserve it. Like himself. Jason wanted so desperately to hate him. But he never could. Simply to good and pure for the world, for the life he’d been given. If anyone deserved a second chance, for peace and every good thing that happened to them, it was Dick.

Jason raised his fist, ready to rap his knuckles against the door. He stood there like that for a while. There were other places he could go to lie low for a while. This wasn’t even close by, it was in a completely different city, but for some reason he thought this was the best place for him.

He clenched his jaw, exhaling loudly through his nose, and dropping his hand.

Jason shook his head. “I’m so fucking screwed.” He breathed before briskly knocking on the door.

He stepped back, waiting for Dick to open the door and give him the same disappointed and judgemental look that he absolutely hated. Dick always seemed to know Jason was in trouble before he said anything. Ever since Jason was Robin and would randomly run into Nightwing. He always let Jason vent about the situation before asking how exactly he got into it. Usually it was something stupid that got him there, and Dick always knew what to say.

He waited at least a minute with no answer before he knocked again.

Another thirty seconds before Dick answered the door.

The look was definitely disappointed and judgmental, but annoyed was the most prominent. He’d obviously been asleep. The same stained sweats that Jason had seen him in a million times, a tshirt that was obviously thrown on in haste, he look rather rumbled and a mess. And absolutely fuckable.

He gave Jason a once over. Something that no one would’ve caught, unless they went to the Batman school of reading people.

He raised an eyebrow. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Jason glanced down. “I, uh, I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

The look in Dick’s eyes changed. He heard the pleading in Jason voice, the obvious desperation in the words.

He made a weird face before stepping aside. “C’mon. Get in.”

Jason awkwardly stepped past him, across the threshold. Dick closed the door behind him.

Dick hesitated. “What’s going on?”

Jason stood awkwardly, avoiding his gaze. 

“Jay, what the hell. You can’t just show up here, claiming you can’t go anywhere else, and keep me in the dark.”

Jason kept his head down, opening his mouth to speak before closing it again. He couldn’t bring himself to tell him.

Dick sighed. “It’s been a long night, I’m gonna go to bed. You can crash here if you need to. Just, don’t smoke in here. If you’re going to, just go on the fire escape.”

Jason watched as he turned to go back into the bedroom.

“Something piss you off?”

Dick whipped back around. “What?”

“Bloody knuckles.” Jason gestured to Dick’s fist. “Did you not use tape?”

Dick glaced down, examining the wounds. “The tape just wore. It happens.”

“Yeah, if you go at it non stop for a few hours.”

“You’re one to talk. I was just blowing off steam.”

He didn’t give Jason a chance to respond, before returning to his bed.

Jason sighed before falling back onto the sofa. Why of all people did it have to be him? Why was Dick the one he was drawn to like a moth to an open flame, why was Dick the one that he dreamt of in secret and instantly felt ashamed, why was Dick the one he couldn’t seem to get over.

He and Dick’s relationship had always been complicated. When he was young, it was simply because he intimidated by his elder and became extremely disappointed at the kind of attention he always received. Not that it was ever anything he’d done. Dick had been mad at Bruce (rightfully so, but Jason could never and would never admit to it) and as an extension tolerated Jason.

And when Jason came back from the dead, he’d been held at a distance. Which stung even more. The one person he actually still cared about, that Jason wanted to know that he was alive and well, that he wanted to run to and be told it would all be okay. That one person trusted Jason about as far as he could throw him, if that.

Jason couldn’t say he didn’t bring it onto himself, his entrance had left little to be desired.

It wasn’t the first time he’d crashed at Dick’s place, but tonight felt different. A strange and unwanted sense of confidence was blossoming. Dick didn’t know how Jason felt. Didn’t know about the secret dreams and the subconscious longing that he barely kept from escaping his lips some days. The elder might guess it sometimes, and if he had, he’d never said anything. Jason wasn’t sure if that was a comforting thought or not.

Dick had always been rather intuitive, it’s what made his gut instinct so trustworthy and on the nose. Because it was almost never wrong. There was a slim chance he already knew, and the thought of that slim chance made Jason sick to his stomach.

So why did it feel right to just start talking about it now? When Dick was annoyed with him, and most certainly would NOT respond how he wanted.

He knew in the morning Dick was going to interrogate him, he just didn’t have the patience to do it right now. Jason needed to either come clean about what happened (no), come up with some sort of excuse (that Dick would see through in an instant so… No), or tell Dick every single feeling that he’d had since he was fourteen to avoid discussing the mess he’d gotten himself into (hell no).

It didn’t leave him many options.

Jason sighed, falling to his side and sinking into the couch. 

Why was he here? A stupid, rookie mistake, someone like himself shouldn’t make. 

A new gang had entered his territory. Jason was just supposed to scare them away. It was all going according to plan, until one stupid kid tried to shoot him. It was instinct, and he was supposed to figure out who these kids were answering to.

That chance was never given. The gun was fired, and Jason shot the perpetrator point blank, not the least bit shaken. Until he realized who these kids worked for, and instantly knew he’d overstepped.

While yes he had been working on taking out Black Mask, he had to be careful. What had happened, had completely screwed him over. Now Mask was trying to come at him with righteous fury.

Jason wasn’t scared of him, or what he could do. It was what he might do to other people who were known associates of his. People like Arsenal, Red Robin and Nightwing. Though he would pay good money to see Black Mask try and take them down. It scared him, that he might be successful.

Dick’s apartment was surprisingly quiet, considering the part of Bludhaven he lived in.

Jason wondered if Dick had sound proofed it, which he quickly dismissed. Dick lived in this area for a reason. So he could hear everything. The city must’ve decided to quiet for the night. A strange concept for such a loud city. Cities like this didn’t have a curfew.

Jason felt like he was slowly sinking deeper in the sofa. He didn’t even know he fell asleep. Until he woke up.

There was a blanket over him. All the sences he’d spent years perfecting felt muddled and clouded. 

He sat up rubbing his face. He scanned the room. He jumped when he saw Dick leaning against the counter on the other side of the room, a mug in his hand. He wasn’t paying much attention to Jason.

“Good Morning.” He told Jason. “You were out of it.”

Jason didn’t respond. Everything still felt fuzzy.

Dick walked over to him. “Here.” He handed Jason another mug, full of coffee. “Must’ve been a rough week. You didn’t even flinch when came out here and started doing things. I actually half expected you to be gone when I left this morning. But no you were still here, dead asleep.”

“You left?”

“Went out on a run to clear my head. It’s still morning by the way. Like nine thirty.”

Jason glanced at the clock before looking down at the coffee Dick had given him. He began to nurse it, a way to avoid the interrogation that was obviously about to begin.

Dick waited a few moments, before sighing. “Why’re you here Jay? What happened?”

Jason shook his head. “Nothing you need to be concerned about.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. If only you hadn’t shown up at my door at four in the morning claiming you had nowhere else to go.”

Jason directed his line of sight next to Dick’s shoulder.

“Seriously? You know that I’ve already done some digging. Why don’t you save us both the trouble and just tell me. Maybe I could help you.”

“I don’t want your help.”

Dick sat down next to him. “You know, you’re a pretty good lier. That is until you start lying to me. I can see right through you. God, Jason why do you have to make this so difficult?”

“Dammit Dick, can’t you leave well enough alone?”

“Not when it shows up in the middle of the night on the verge of tears.”

Jason huffed, then turned to look Dick in the face.

It was that hard completely neutral face. One he usually wore when either he could feel the argument or was in one. He was ready for whatever Jason was going to throw at him.

“I know that kid got shot by you Jay.” He said, his tone dropped. It was far more serious, and demanding. 

_ How? How did he figure that out? _

Dick must’ve read his face. “Not much happens in Gotham or Bludhaven without a bat knowing about it. Tim was close to the scene. He found the body and figured I could handle you while he handled that mess. That kid worked for Black Mask, he was a scout and you killed him.”

“You want to scold me or something?”

“What, no, Jay I want you to be straight with me. I want you to tell me what the hell is going on.”

“Doesn’t seem like I have to, you’ve got the whole story.”

Dick rolled his eyes. “Why’d you come here? Of all the places you could go, why here?”

Jason feels it gathering up, words pressing against his teeth. Threatening to spill. He couldn’t tell him, it would ruin everything. The semi decent relationship he’d finally gotten with Dick would just go up in smoke. Jason didn’t want to risk it.

There was this horrible pleading look in Dick’s eyes. He wanted honesty, something Jason wasn’t willing to offer.  The longer Jason analyzed the look in his eyes, the closer the words came to spilling over his lips.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled.

“Oh good another lie. Here I thought you might just give me a straight answer. Silly me.” Dick stood up, and began walking away.

“Because I actually feel safe here.” He sputtered out.

Dick slowly turned to face him. His facial expression shifting to something not completely readable. 

“I feel safe, well safer, when-” his voice caught, “when you’re not in a completely different city. I like knowing you’re in the next room, that you’ll actually listen when I need someone to talk to, that there is someone who actually has my back.”

The words tumbled out one after the other.

“Then let me help you fix the shit show you got yourself in.”

“No. The last thing I want is you getting hurt.”

“I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for a while actually.”

“It’s more than that.”

“Then tell me, since I’m apparently the only one that listens. Tell me.”

Jason shook his head. “You don’t want me to tell you this, trust me.”

Dick pinched the bridge on his nose, his frustration cleary building. “You’re unbelievable Jay, you know that. You say all this, and yet you’re shutting me out. Like you always do when things get to… I don’t know emotional. Like you’re too emotionally invested-” He stopped suddenly. His head snapped up sharply, looking Jason square in the face.

Jason broke the stared. He was just too damn smart for his own good.

The tension became thick and uncomfortable. He glanced up slightly. Dick’s eyes hadn’t shifted for a second, but it was clear he wasn’t really looking at anything. The thoughts going through his head were almost visible.

“Jay.” He finally whisper after almost a minute and a half of unbroken silence.

Jason looked back up, he didn’t like this facial expression either. This mixture of unbelief and guilt. Like he’d led Jason on or something, which he hadn’t. 

Another thirty seconds. “Do you… are you. I mean, you-”

Jason didn’t give any response, which was one in of itself.

He watched as Dick made different moves, as if he wanted this conversation to continue and go in reverse all at the same time. His weight kept shifting on his feet, his hand fidgeted as they went through different positions to signify some sort of sentence. Ones that he seemed incapable of saying.

“Oh my god,” Jason suddenly found himself saying, “have you lost the ability to put a coherent sentence together?”

“What do you want from me? Huh, what exactly were you expecting?”

“This.” Jason answered his voice barely audible

“What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know.”

Dick leaned against the wall. “What do you want me to do with this Jay?”

Jason shook his head. “You weren’t supposed to know. I was just supposed to suffer alone and leave you blissfully unaware.”

Dick’s expression became hard and calculated. But Jason saw through it, his eyes registered the hurt he was feeling.

Jason felt the tears welling up. He couldn’t stay. So he didn’t.

He stood up and briskly walked out the door, Dick didn’t even try to stop him. Jason had no idea where he was going to go, but he needed to get far away from here. Far away from Dick.

* * *

He sat with his feet dangling over the street. It’d been a week, and he hadn’t even seen Dick. He wasn’t out and about, wasn’t in Gotham, and Jason had no idea if he was even still in Bludhaven. This had been an absolutely miserable week.  


He heard someone land behind him. Soft, but familiar.

“What do you want?” Jason asked him.

The individual approached him, sitting on the ledge next to him, allowing his own feet to dangle off the side as well.

“Wanted to see how you were doing.” Tim told him.

Jason’s fingers drumed against the helmet in his hands. “Dick told you?”

“No, he didn’t have to. I’m assuming you told him.”

“Yes and no.”

There was a beat of silence between them.

“He’s avoiding me isn’t he?” Jason asked him.

“Like the plague.”

“I feel awful. He wasn’t supposed to find out.”

“Well he did Jay. Now what’re you going to do about it?”

Jason had no idea what he was supposed to do about it. It’s not like talking about it was going to fix anything if Dick was going to avoid him.

Then another question popped in his head. “How’d you know?”

He caught Tim’s gaze. 

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It just kind of clicked one day.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

“It wasn’t something I needed to be sticking my nose in. It’s not like it was hurting anyone or preventing you from doing your job. I figured if you wanted to talk about it, you would.”

“I’m surprised Dick didn’t realize it sooner.”

“Maybe he didn’t want to. He just kind of slipped that evidence under the rug and ignored it. It’s not like he wanted to change things either.”

“I’ve ruined everything.”

He could feel Tim roll his eyes. “No you haven’t dipshit.”

Jason turned his head back to face him.

“For someone as in to Dick as you seem to be, you don’t really know him at all. I don’t think it’s possible for you to lose him. If it was, it would’ve happened a long time ago and you know it.”

“Tim, you didn’t see-”

“No I didn’t, I also didn’t hear either. But god, if the last few years have shown me anything about you two, it’s that he’s probably always gonna take you back. He’s always going to stand beside you.”

“Well how am I supposed to fix things if he won’t even talk to me?”

Tim sighed. “You could ask for help.”

Jason made a face.

“What? I’m serious. Dick’s not avoiding me. You want to talk to him about feelings and crap, I’m going to be the last person to stop you.”

Jason shook his head. “I’m not getting help with this, especially not from you.”

Tim shook his head. “Too bad, tough guy. I don’t need a mopy Red Hood. No one needs that. And you deserve a chance to be happy.”

“No I don’t”

“Yes you do. You’re a good person, Jay. I mean, your methods are a little askew, but your heart's in the right place. You want to protect the innocent. That makes you a good guy. It’s one of the reasons I stick by you when nobody else will, it’s one of the reasons Dick sticks by you. Why his forgiveness is unlimited when it comes to you.” Tim sighed. “Look, I didn’t come here to give you a therapy session I’m far from qualified to give. I came, because I’m not letting burn bridges that don’t need to be simply because your afraid.”

Jason didn’t say anything, he didn’t even look up.

“So he might not like you the way you want him to. That sucks, but you don’t want to lose him. You will if you keep this shit up. He’s done trying to close the distance and always be the one to fix things. You need to just grow a pair and meet him halfway for once in your life.”

“Calling me a cowards Drake?”

“That’s what you’re getting out of this? Look, I’m gonna have Dick meet me somewhere, you’re gonna meet him instead and you’re going to fix this.”

Jason smirked at his tone. “Look at you takin’ initiative. It’s a good look.”

“Stop that.”

Jason shrugged. 

“I’m serious. Now, if you don’t show, I’m telling him everything.”

Jason raised an eyebrow. 

“Yeah I will, you and I both know it would be better if he heard it from you.”

“I know.”

“So?”

“So, I’ll be there.”

“And what will you do?”

“Talk to him, if he’ll listen.”

* * *

Jason landed softly on the rooftop next to the building Tim had said Dick would be at.  


He could hear his heart thumping in his ears. He hated Tim, a lot right now, but he was right nonetheless. The sooner he got all of this off his chest, the sooner things could go back to normal.

Jason jumped down, onto the next roof. Opening the access door he went to the floor below. 

This building had been under construction for something Penguin had been working on. Had being the operative word, his plans had been ruined by Dick and Tim. The gutted building remained in the slums of Gotham. It had been for some time. Jason knew homeless people hid out on the lower floors, but the top two, surprisingly they had yet to find a way up.

It was good spot for any one of them to meet. It was a good spot for this conversation. Away from prying ears and eyes. Where it could all be let out without worry of being discovered.

Dick had his back to him, in full uniform. An image Jason saved and pushed to the back of his mind for later. Because… it was arousing.

The way his suit hugged each muscle of his toned back, you could see the tension as he had arms crossed. His shoulder pressing against the concrete wall. Jason could only imagine what his face might look like.

He’d gotten so caught up in staring, he’d begun to forget why he was even there.

“You’re not Tim.” Dick said suddenly.

He turned to slightly face Jason. Opting to press his back against the wall, keeping the arms crossed to seem slightly closed off and uninterested (a common look when out in the field), and his head cocked slightly to one side as he observed Jason’s behavior.

Jason shook his. “No, it was his idea though.”

He half expected Dick to scoff, he did nothing of the sort. “I’m not surprised. What’d you want Jay?”

Jason was slightly hurt by the tone. “I want to talk to you. Explain things. Explain everything.”   


Well I’m here aren’t I?”

“There’s no point in denying it, I like you, okay? I have for a while, and no, you weren’t supposed to know. Because, honestly, part of me knew it wouldn’t be reciprocated, and I wanted to be okay with that. I didn’t want things to be weird, or to change. If you want to forget about it and pretend it never happened. It’s fine, I’ll be okay. I just want us to be okay.”

“Here’s the problem Jason, I can’t just forget it. Okay? I want to, god, I so want to. It’d be so much easier to just, forget it. But you telling me that you were willing to just sit there and be unhappy isn’t okay, and it never will be.”

“Yeah, it will Dick.”

Dick seemed to bite the inside of his cheek. “What do you want from me?” He asked softly, his voice just barely above a whisper.

Jason took a moment to answer. “Nothing.” 

Dick shook his head. “Quit trying to spare my feelings here. I’m an adult, I can handle it. Now what do you want from me?”

_ So much. _ Jason thought. _ So much, and at the same time nothing at all. _ “Nothing Dick.”

The problem was, Dick knew it wasn’t true. One of his best skills is that he was one of the best at reading people. Probably better than Bruce, the only person better was Cass. 

Dick sighed, taking off his mask. Suddenly, there was emotion in his face. His eyes always gave him away. Always had, always would.

Jason knew what he wanted, and Jason needed to say it. 

“What’re you doing to me?” Dick suddenly asked, seemingly to himself more than Jason. “I was fine, everything was fine, until… until you-.”

Jason began to read between the lines.

Dick looked back at him. Asking the same question, without saying the words.

Jason knew what he needed to do.

Before he could stop himself, he was brisly closing the distance between Dick and himself. Taking Dick’s face in his hands and kissing him. It was hungry and needy and at the same time not, somehow. It took him a couple of seconds to register that he was actually  kissing Dick Grayson, it took him a few more to realize Dick was kissing him back. His hand on Jason’s arms, as his own fingers massaged his scalp.

He felt Dick push against his chest to break the kiss. The kiss Jason didn’t want to end.

Dick looked up at him, completely breathless. 

Jason took a step back, unable to maintain eye contact. “I want you.”

Dick bit his lower lip, looking down. 

“I always have. You asked me what I wanted from you, that’s it. That’s what I want. I want you, I want this. And if that’s not something you want, then I respect that. I won’t do anything. I’ll back off, it’ll be like this never happened. I know you don’t want that either, but I’m not gonna force this.”

Just as Jason was about to walk away when Dick grabbed his hand.

“I don’t know what I want.” Dick told him. “But I don’t want you to leave.”

“Then I won’t.”

“And I don’t want you to avoid me. But I need you to be patient. Willing to give me… a chance to figure out this is.”

Jason laced his fingers with Dick’s. “Like I said. I’m not gonna force anything on you. You need time, I have plenty of it. You need space, you got it. You need me, I’m there yesterday.”

He brought Dick’s hand to his lips, kissing it.

Dick removed his hand from Jason’s grasp, pulling Jason down to kiss him again. Jason pressed him against the wall behind them. Dick’s legs were wrapped around his hips to give him more leverage, his hand’s framing the sides of Jason’s face and taking control of the kiss. Which Jason was strangely okay with. Basically what one would call a hardcore makeout session, and nothing more. 

Afterwards Dick went home, saying they would talk. 

Jason went back into his territory. Back to the same rooftop, in the same place. Only this time, he didn’t feel depressed. He wasn’t sure what he felt.

“How’d it go?” Tim asked, a shit eating grin plastered across his face.

“I don’t kiss and tell.”

“So it went well?”

Jason shrugged.

“Can I ask when the wedding is?”

“Only if I can punch you off this roof.”

Tim held his hands up in surrender. “Fine, okay. But, seriously, things are…?”

“I don’t know. I’m not quite sure where we stand, or what’s next. I’m giving him some space and time to think.”

“He’s going back to Bludhaven?”

Jason nodded. “Yeah, probably.”

Tim smirked, shaking his head.

“What?”

“You. It’s like you’re not used to getting your way, or for things to go right. You’re not quite sure what to do with yourself. It’s kind of funny.”

“Don’t you have patrol or something to get back to?”

“Yeah, but it’s been a quiet night. But do you want me to leave you alone?”

“A little bit, yeah.”

“Say no more, the annoying little brother act is over.”

Tim shot him a peace sign before diving off the roof.

Jason did wonder what the next step would be. What the future held. Dick knew now, he knew everything, and he seemed open minded. That was more than Jason could ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't ever written a kiss fic before, so this was uncharted territory. I hope I did alright and you enjoyed.


End file.
